Skratching Post

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she’z gone,
soon i iz leavsin 2.
not lifes, uf cours,
dont worries.

not dat i dont
want 2, but
i has 2 try 2
reach dat plase

dat itches so
deep inside
i cant reach it
wiff a skratching

post. i has 2
try 2 brick up
dat hole
in mi head,

plaster dat
gaping hart
shut. I muss
go away

& search
4 da tools
2 do dis.


No Can Has Forget

da hurt comes
at exacly ten o’clock
no bones abouts it
juss dis wet blankit

uf missed oppurtunitis
dis paper bag uf slow
I muss wear on mi head
from now on

dis stain of idiocity
which wonts go awai
(and I tought I wuz

dis pain uf no salvation,
dis no can has forget
to undo my mistakes,
to ctrl-alt-delete.

mi unworthy will ruin
mi summerless self,
dere is nuffing in dere
to enjoy



all iz well, she sais,
nuffing happend

but nuffing iz well,
evrifing happend

& i lost her

Missreadsin Signs

Strollsing down
unrekwaited lubberi lane,
quite insane, kitteh vains
varicose & throbbsin
wif huge unrekwaited,
i walks sidewais
& askew, foolins
miself repeetedli,
fallins into ditches,
missreadsin signs,
forgetsin 2 eat & sleep.
It wuz me who hurt me
all along, dis stupid
hart wuddnt see or
unredstand dis No.


Thoroughly Walkd On

I am a thin piece of meet,
chewd & spat out

on a dirty floor &
thoroughly walkd on.

I am a dirty dish cloth
ridden wif dyftheria,

suiesidal bacteria
infectins da lower

tracts of da larynx
and womb.

Mi songs remain

mi chillren still


I Has Bad Afraids

Sad-kitteh-me wunts 2 give

to Cold Kitteh, da hole story.
We B in baddes watur now,

krokodiles chasin aftah us.
Cold Kitteh will suie me

dediskret me, sekreet me,
da Sad Kitteh. Mi

feelins will b publischd,
mi carrier will b ovah,

ovah and done wiff.
I ams afraid. I hurted

evrione, inclusin miself,
I shuddve kept mi

Sad-kitteh-brains 2
miself. But den

hows kud I lives?
I is so afraids.

Slo Winnins

Mi winnings R slow & subjekt
2 xtreme prejudish.

All dis wurk & stills nobuddy
lubs me, nobuddy saws me

diggin up this garden, planting
seeds of strangeness and xcellens,

not evan da starngeness herself.
I haves imparteds my otherness

on 2 many, I muss go backs
2 my usual detachd & sorri

& normal self, & no moar has
abmornal hartbrakes.


2nd Birf uf Cheezburger

Turnin & turnin in da widening gyre
Da birdie cannots hear da hungary kitteh;
Thingies r crazi; shoppin centre closes;
Mere anarchy iz loose upon da markit,
Da fish tank breakses, and evriwhere
Innisent kittehs gets horrobli wet,
and has no-can-believes-in, while dogs
yap away energetikalli.

Comeon! sum lighter muss B lyin arond;
Comeon! surely anudder cheezburgerz on da way.
Anudder Cheezburger! I onli meowed dis tought
Den Celing Cat’s giant uncombed fur gots
In my eyeses: sumwheres in cheezburgerless land
There b a starnge lion-hooman thingie,
Who stares like mad dog wiffout empapity,
Movsing its inadqate leggies, while all aronds it
Shadows uf oh-so-tasty but stoopid birdies fly about.
Da darkness falls down again; but finaly i knows
Dat forever sleeping in stones not so gud aktualli,
Will makes u dreem uf dogs throwsing rocks,
& what rofl dog, its thyme at last in da world-nose,
Will skid ungrasefuli towards cheezburger?


Prejudish Flies

Asian flies are
swarming my littel
would-be lubber’s
littel head

she leans on me
for an outlet 2
her infallible
her greatness,

her nonexisting
lubbery of me.
It was me who
supported this
stupid idea

thees cups of tea
dis exessive non-
speaksin madness,
yes I suggested it
& nao it will brings me

down, my mudder
will havs 2 buri me
b4 dis is done, and
it’s all yer fault,
infallible 1.

Birfday Cake

Lubber, u shuddave come ovah,
I wuddave brought u
blankits and bukkits
& a birfday cake dat

wuznt a lie. I wuddave
aksed u serius queshuns
abouts ur life, & gentli
tucked u in mi furri self.

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Full uf Unfurtiles

so summah finalli camed
2 dis godforsakn plase

impartsing its loonelyness
on mi yellow hardache

mi hair full uf unfurtiles
pollinashun, left & right

i performs da rites uf sunshine
& throws anudder hookless line


Colonial Kittehs

we is sittin in a farawai contri
sippin tea, bein colonial and veri

amiable, personable, inbetween
our bouts uf manegerial diffrensis

& personal crysis. we divides dees
contris between us. u taik india

& china, i go shoppins 4
udder terrtories, and den some.

ill have cows & meddows,
lilacs, ovahgrown paddocks

& run-down houses. ill take
da lot, dream kittehs & all.

dis fall wills b ours, u knows,
from grace to dilapsidated plase,

ur hairi legs brushin agains mi legs,
ur tonguetiedness in mi moufh,

ur south gone west, mi best beads
litterin ur bed, & tons uf regrets.

we’ll count our sorri monnies den
& havs anudder arguesment.


Sorry Abouts Mi Needy

I am so sorry abouts mi needy,
interrupturing evri step u taik.

Iz juss, ur beutifulness keeps
me awake, keeps me unseamli,

keeps me takin on tasks
u shud do ur-self.

Ur bootiful speeks 2 me,
slowli, laik swimmins

in a seas uf syrup.
Itz a desparate situashun,

mi legs wont move,
i cannots helps miself,

must makes mistakes
aftah mistakes.


u r bein invizibul,
dats gud. go chase

dose stars, dose
heeps of oxford boys

praysing at ur feet,
admirins ur cheekbones,

& ur nose. in da mean
time, ill be satysfieds

wif da high-res picsures
uf ur eyes i keeps in me

locker, mi onli susstinans
ovah da summer, when u is

awai. sort uf. ur difficult
keeps me wantin udder

kittehs, 4 norishment
ani boddy will do

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Pweese Advise

Kittehs arond da whirled, pweese advise:
She gives me noes attenshun, noes akshun

& der B udders, less sexi ones, no dubt
& less difficults, less costli, less

intrestin, no dubt, & perhaps i could settel
4 a smaller house? Aftah all, who needs

7 rooms? Da maintanens wud B
immense and hartache wud xseed

size uf kitteh brain. Wut u say?
I has plenti cottages linin ups.


Hao 2 Hang Wiff Starngeness

peeps R stupid evriwhere,
peeps R worn out evriwhere

but i has lived a LOT nao, so
u must take dees peas of advice:

Njoy da otherness, writes
starnge pomes abouts it & rejoyce

very seriush sad kitteh sister orginal here



Ur plastik fase
Ur prejudish
Ur cat-bashin
keeps me away

U can has

Ur ageism
Ur traditionalism
Ur kitteh-bashin
keeps mai head spinnin

& empties mi vowels
on da carpet, and all da
moviements uf my bowls
goes into dis hurlin

Ur sexism
Ur racism
Ur heteroism
Ur no-can-has understand

Hows 2 Create a Crysis

i gots it alls figurd outs:
taik a childhood uf bloodhounds
& appli to da kitteh u liek,
den watsh wut happens

all kins uf hartache will ensue
all kins uf thougths will glue
2 ur fur, dai & nait, keeps u
awaik, maik u say fings

u nevah ment 2. Say
nevahmoar, say u r useless
to da kitteh u lubs,
den watsh da burnin bridges.


Kitteh Fallen By the Wayside

Dis B da limit, dis B hao much
abuse I can takes. Kitteh, U fell

so close 2 da finishin lien,
so closed 2 desirin boddy.

My deer, U can has no moar
“mi buddy,” U B impossibl coockie.

Not dat U has 2 much carzy,
juss 2 smalles ears n rezpekt.

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